go figure

“If only. Those must be the two saddest words in the world.”

i have come to another realization that i am still in a world of denial. i refuse to deal with some facts of life that made a whole lot of difference with mine. i lost a lot of things and ideals that i have been taking care of ever since i can remember. i even lost my faith into something that would make up for my future.

if only. i could count a lot of if onlys' that i can think of..

- if only i had not applied to this company
- if only i had not befriend you
- if only i had not persisted
- if only i had not been patient
- if only i did not give in
- if only i had not given anything
- if only i had not been too friendly
- if only i had not been too nice
- if only i had not been too patient
- if only i had not given the best
- if only i had not given my all
- if only i had chosen someone else
- if only i had thought that hurting someone for my own happiness is wrong
- if only i had left before leaving my roots too deep
- if only i had left more than enough for myself
- if only i had been too selfish to think of others
- if only i have been too vocal about my feelings
- if only i had not fallen for someone who became too selfish
- if only had i not been too naive to think that everything is perfect

i can think of a hundred more "if only". again, i know i am too slow. could be the effect of being numb. it hurts occasionally, and i know i don't have any right to since time passed me by. more or less, there is not much future to look forward to, just the present while i take it as it is. :(