"closure"

i finally had the courage to talk to him.

i opened up my heart once more, trying to accept the fact that everything is really over.

i am confused as to why i cannot be consistent enough to hate someone who hurt me deeply. i gave him all his things back, including the gifts that he gave me (at least those i have kept). unfortunately, all the things are still packed in our living room, as he promised to take it the next day.

he is no longer the same mj that I knew, even way back in our training days. i cannot find the logic as to why he lost himself and in the process, found a different personality that kicked me out of his life.

this time, it's for real. no more lies, no more denials, no more acting as if it does not hurt, because it does. and it hurts like hell.

the notebook

i have always loved the novel "the notebook". i saw it first in the movie and somehow i got intrigued with the book itself. i am always a fanatic of the book version because it is not rushed, it is more detailed than in the movies.

i happen to stumble upon my copy of the said novel. i read it while i was passing time in Las Pinas, and i found a very suitable part for myself. it goes like this..

No matter what I choose, I have to live with it. Forever. I have to be able to go forward and not look back anymore.

this was from the part that Noah and Allie were talking. Noah pleading that Allie stay with him, and Allie, brokenhearted by who to choose, Lon, who she was engaged with or Noah, who she still loves even after 14 years of separation.

i guess even if the whole scenario does not fit mine, still i like the idea of standing up with your decisions. no regrets and looking back. just look forward to each day that will come, with all the hope and faith of getting whatever it is that i am aiming for.

on WoRD

hate to
but have to

LSS

All cried out

[allure]
All alone on a sunday morning
Outside I see the rain is falling
Inside Im slowly dying
But the rain will hide my crying, crying, crying
And you
Dont you know my tears will burn the pillow
Set this place on fire
cause Im tired of your lie
All I needed was a simple hello
But the traffic was so noisy that you could not hear me cry
(I) I gave you my love in vain
Now Im all cried out, over you.

[112]
Cryin over you, yeah

Never wanted to see things your way,
Had to go astray
For why was I such a fool (why was I such a fool)
Now I see that the grass is greener
Is it too late for me to find my way home,
How could I be so wrong?

[allure]
Leaving me all alone
Dont you know my tears will cause an inferno
Romance often fades
Why should I take the blame?
You were the one who left me neglected (so sorry baby)
Apology not accepted
Add it to the broken hearts youve collected

(I) I gave you my love in vain
My body never knew such pleasure,
My heart never knew such pain
And you

[112]
You left me so confused

[allure]
Now Im all cried out
Now Im all cried out
Over you

tired

just spent the afternoon playing badminton with the usual crowd.. produced so much sweat that up until now, my shirt and jogging pants are still wet. good thing we did not push through the plan of going to the mall.

jak is planning to get a plan from sun. she's planning to get the 3 phone bundle for P999 and somehow, she got us convinced to go along. that would mean 3 phones for me. i am thinking of giving the phone to my mom but knowing my brother, he'll just take it away as well.

so much for the day, if i have enough money left, i might even box tomorrow.. haha.. :)

as i go along...

another form of faith.. from now on, no more looking back, keep moving forward!

sigh

just got home.

it's my first day of being back into fitness. i had my first session after almost a month without an exercise and it seems as if i produced a bucket full of sweat..

kah.. kah..

anyway, the family fun day is on friday, Parokya ni Edgar will be playing, so i have something to look forward to. another thing is that the event will be on a resort, so swimming will definitely be there.

no plans of buying a new swim suit like my officemates. need to save up for the bills.

wala lang.. :)

go figure

“If only. Those must be the two saddest words in the world.”

i have come to another realization that i am still in a world of denial. i refuse to deal with some facts of life that made a whole lot of difference with mine. i lost a lot of things and ideals that i have been taking care of ever since i can remember. i even lost my faith into something that would make up for my future.

if only. i could count a lot of if onlys' that i can think of..

- if only i had not applied to this company
- if only i had not befriend you
- if only i had not persisted
- if only i had not been patient
- if only i did not give in
- if only i had not given anything
- if only i had not been too friendly
- if only i had not been too nice
- if only i had not been too patient
- if only i had not given the best
- if only i had not given my all
- if only i had chosen someone else
- if only i had thought that hurting someone for my own happiness is wrong
- if only i had left before leaving my roots too deep
- if only i had left more than enough for myself
- if only i had been too selfish to think of others
- if only i have been too vocal about my feelings
- if only i had not fallen for someone who became too selfish
- if only had i not been too naive to think that everything is perfect

i can think of a hundred more "if only". again, i know i am too slow. could be the effect of being numb. it hurts occasionally, and i know i don't have any right to since time passed me by. more or less, there is not much future to look forward to, just the present while i take it as it is. :(

and God made the sun.. and the sand.. and the sea

God is so wonderful to have created a lot of beautiful things. i realized that you don't have to go very far to appreciate such. Here are some pictures of how beautiful Puerto Galera is..

waaah!

my dell laptop is missing!

my stupid brother took it to bicol. although he said it was just for 3 days, still what's mine is mine!

that will be the last straw. i no longer have a brother.

something to sing along with

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
It's all right

another picture of faith

chubaboy man c babing, napipicturan pa din.. hahahahahaha!

one moment in time

people may find my likes of music weird. i can't help it. i could go for pop one time then shift to something old, then to rock, then country.

just this other day, i had this sudden urge to listen to KORN. somehow i found their music comforting that day. as if no one could bother me, no one dares come near me just because of the sheer fun of it. i downloaded their music and it seems like i got all their albums. i liked the unplugged version of freak on a leash best. the raw versions, i liked just as much - kasi nga feeling ko invincible ako, astig, at tipong alang gagalaw sakin.. (just like the time when i set "halik ni hudas and natutulog kong mundo in a repeat forever mode haha!)

at the moment, im trying to internalize whitney houston music. she's a great singer and i am glad that she is now back. one moment in time, saving all my love, almost all of her songs became a hit. no wonder i'm hooked.

disturbing

masama yata talaga ugali ko...

something disturbing happened yesterday. i bought an ice cream from mini stop and was happily licking my way to where i am supposed to ride a jeepney. as i got inside, i noticed a very dirty looking boy. full of grease from head to foot, skinny, sad looking. the man sitting beside him got angry and told the driver to make the boy leave the jeep. i didn't know what the driver's reaction was, but he did not ask the boy to leave.

san naman pumasok ung pagiging masama ng ugali ko? i was still eating ice cream at the time and deadma lang ako sa paligid. i kept on stealing glances on the kid because somehow, i am feeling guilty. ewan ko ba.. maybe because of the fact na compared to the kid, i am well off. i don't know what i could have done. i wish i could have done something.